Area Freshmen Can’t Stop Replying All, Peer Leaders Concerned

The entire peer leadership program continues to be shaken from its foundation by the rapid spread of Reply-All-itus, a condition that affects exclusively freshmen, in which the affected host is unable to simply ‘reply’. This virus first started to spread at the beginning of the year, as is common with most new freshmen classes who have previously been unexposed to the disease, however the virus has strangely begun to infect teachers. A representative from the CDC stated that this new strain that does not affect freshmen alone “could be even worse than ebola, which was like, pretty bad.” When pressed for details on how this contagion spreads, Dr. Coffey added, “Honestly, just reading it could spread the infection, because you read it once, and you think it’s kind of funny, so you might be tempted to reply all back. The infection, obviously, addles your brain to the point where you don’t realize that it is definitely not funny.” The first symptom is sympathy for those who replied all. It then progresses to phase two, which is the desire to send a pun-filled reply and waste the entire school’s time. A peer leader confessed anonymously that he too had been feeling the urge to reply all to the tea club email with the phrase, ‘in actuali-tea.’ Upon hearing the pun out loud, his face turned pale, and he ran down the hallway weeping at the embarrassing thought.

There is currently no cure.

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