First Our Phones, Next Our Freedom of Speech?

Following the ban of phones in the Outdoor Commons, the administration and P.A. are collaborating again to just straight up ban freedom of speech entirely. The two governing bodies felt that the casual use of phones in the Common space was a harmful influence on the innocent minds of lower and middle schoolers, and so they sought to create a safe place untainted by the outside world. They hope to further their agenda by completely eliminating the harmful bias that is inherent with freedom of speech. In the words of Dr. Kolman, “I mean like, imagine that you’re walking through the Outdoor Commons, and you see a Junior and a second-grader working on a Spanish presentación together, but without using their phones or even talking to each other. I think that would be pretty radical.” Mr. Allman also remarked, “What part of this don’t you understand? If no phones is good, obviously no freedom of speech would make us the best freaking school that ever existed. We didn’t claw our way to the top of the Ivy League by clinging to the industry standard. Comprende? We got here by taking chances. Also, prospective parents love this stuff.”

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