New Studies Show The Chemical Composition of Trinity Students is 100% Bagel

Trinity’s premier DNA technology class made groundbreaking progress with revolutionary data on the composition of an average Trinitarian’s body. “No way, Jose!” screamed one student, clutching his head and tearing at his hair from the shock. Despite the norm for the average human, it seemed that the chemical composition of Trinity Students is about 99% bagel. “This is mind blowing! I would never have expected bagels,” another student breathed in disbelief.  “I mean, where could they have come from?”

This data, which is highly supported by extensive research, has many implications. The DNA technology class is considering that this oddity may display some form of a genetic bottleneck on the Trinity population. “I feel like there is such a high percentage of bread because something forced them to be like that,” said Dr. Rios.  “Like, maybe for some reason bagels are their only food source. I wonder why the Trinity population seems to only eat bagels? Did something repulse them from the other food sources?” Ultimately, the researchers are still considering.  Their latest proposal acknowledges the remaining 1%, which they believe is pure, unadulterated, schmear.

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