The Love Expert: Soaring on Second Semester, Area Senior Believes She Is Love Guru

Hi there kiddos! Relationships these days are quite the hard nugget to wrap your young noggins around, but have no fear!  I’m just a cool, hip girl, so I’m gonna spell out how to love through my favorite language: AP Biology!  Here’s the break down: so basically, whenever you see your crush, your noddle releases a chipper chemical called Happy-Juice.  It basically turns whoever you are looking at—male, female, or otherwise—into a slightly less hot version of Will Kingham.  But be careful, because the effect of Happy-Juice is dependent on a couple factors.

The first check to keep your eye on is how likely your lovebird is to give a cat in the swamp the old twirly-twirl.  A high likelihood will release a supple quantity of Jerkamine, which counteracts the enchantment of Happy-Juice by causing you to think about Junior Year. The other factor is how closely your crush dresses to Mahlon Sorensen.  If the outfits resemble each other—meaning they consist of a rolled up button down, dress shoes, and khakis with a belt—a different neurotransmitter called Preppienine, which is also known by its street name Thirst Manipulator, is released.  This chemical exponentially increases the effects of Happy Juice, and explains the phenomenon of what makes it hard to look away from a hot stunner in some Vineyard Vines.  I hope you all had fun going on a little learning adventure with me, and thanks for reading, buddies!


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