VALENTINE’S WEEK HOROSCOPE

Howdy do y’all! I know that it’s been tough these first few weeks of hell season, so to guide you along through this difficult period I’m going to give your love horoscopes for the week, according to the alignment of deans during Community Times last week:

Aries

Mar 21-Apr 19:

The movement of the deans is telling me that you really need to expand your horizons. Mikey Vassallo is never going to love you back.

Taurus

Apr 20-May 20

You know that Leo scheme that you’ve been eyeing in History for a couple of weeks now? Go for it.

Gemini

May 21 – Jun 20

I was trying to feel out your future from the deans, but Mr. Isaacson started to stare right through my soul. Sad!

Cancer

Jun 21 – Jul 22

This week you will find a relationship that is as strong as Gus Brown thinks he is.

Leo

Jul 23 – Aug 22

So apparently some Taurus has been eyeing you in History for a couple of weeks now. Feels good right? Wrong. Stab them in the eye if they ask you out because you don’t need no man. Fierce.

Virgo

Aug 23-Sep 22

Do not be fooled into thinking that you can win over your crush with looks alone. Write a love poem and have Emmanuel Dadu serenade them with it. You run the risk of losing your scheme to the most suave kid in school, but that is a chance you will have to take.

Libra

Sept 23 – Oct 22

You are going to have a great time wearing a coordinated outfit with your girlfriend this week.

What’s that? Oh you don’t have a girlfriend?

Fight me.

Scorpio

Oct 23 – Nov 21

You will discover that your unopened DMs were being sent all along to a Dalton student named Chad. Shaking my head!

Sagittarius

Nov 22 – Dec 21

Mithun Ramesh will guide you. Dilly Dilly!

Capricorn

Dec 22 – Jan 19

You will be to scheming what Christina Stearns is to acting. Second best, but who’s complaining about that kind of power?

Aquarius

Jan 20 – Feb 18

Unfortunately for you, this week all of your romantic pursuits will be avoiding you with the uncanny skill of a student dodging eye-contact with Mr. Allman.

Pisces

Feb 19 – Mar 20

For seven days and seven nights, if you look in the mirror and yell, “Yuh,” Ethan Polley will appear and perform his Pep Rally dance. Lucky you.

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