Friday— Students and faculty enjoyed their lunch this afternoon with French toast, eggs, turkey sausages, and home fries. But behind the smiling faces of the cafeteria staff carefully portioning food onto plates lies a much darker truth. Over the past five years at Trinity, what started as whispers slowly became a chorus of students’ voices clamoring to know what happens to the lunch when it is replaced by breakfast.
We at The Garlic have heard enough speculation and are ready to uncover the truth. We sat down with Director of Dining Services James Cowan, who was caught off guard by our questions, replying, “What? The lunch is breakfast.” Obviously, he was in on the deception; we had to go deeper.
Executive Chef Jude Sheehan was next on our list, but he too resisted filling us in on the conspiracy. “I don’t think you understand, instead of cooking a typical lunch, we make breakfast foods and serve those instead.” The conspiracy runs deep…
We walked away from our investigative trip through the kitchen unsuccessful, certain that this operation was bigger than any one person. The trail was lost until an anonymous tip led us to the heart of this debate. So thirty minutes later, there we were, sitting across a small rectangular table from the brains behind this entire operation. For their own safety, we won’t release their information, but will refer to them by alias: “Jamie.” After hours of back and forth negotiations in which we guaranteed complete anonymity, Jamie finally came clean. Trembling, Jamie emotionally spilled the beans. “You have forced me to sit here for two hours against my will, insisting that there’s this ‘conspiracy’ that makes absolutely zero sense. Once again, the breakfast is the lunch… the breakfast is lunch. You’re the craziest people I’ve ever met. I hope you know that when I finally get out of here I’m going to report you and shut down this publication. You need to get help.”
Ha! The truth finally comes out! Well, now you know what happens to the lunch when we have “breakfast for lunch.” It may not have been easy, but we got down to the bottom of this one! Until next time, this has been The Garlic Investigative Journalism Team, signing off.