Breaking: Chocolate Milk Banned?

In a historic announcement this Thursday, the Parents Association proclaimed the war on sugar over, as, in an unprecedented move, they banned chocolate milk permanently. “Look,” said one board member, “Sugar is addictive. It’s a gateway drug. Next thing you know, my child is going to be on crack.” After seeing the frenzied rush for chocolate milk every Thursday, it seems that move makes sense. Several freshmen are already showing signs of withdrawal from the chocolate milk, which sophomore Nick Noyer was said to be secretly supplying. Noyer, stuffing his stash of Horizon chocolate milk into his backpack, claims innocence. “I’m just supplying what the people want.” With chocolate milk being cracked down on, who knows what Trinity students will have to turn to next. O.J.?

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