In a letter to the board, John Allman, Head of School and fundraiser extraordinaire, clarified that he wanted Trinity to embody the characteristics and ideals of a convent, not a covenant. “Silly me,” the letter began, “I should have downloaded Grammarly, and none of this would have happened.” He added, “Back when I played football in high school (remember how good I was!?), I found Jesus one day on special teams. I want everyone to have that experience.”
As widespread confusion turned to panic and then rioting, shouts of “get thee to a nunnery” could be heard emanating from the English Office. Security believes Saul Isaacson, who donned traditional Danish attire throughout the fiasco, to be the ringleader of faculty unrest. Claudia Chapman ‘18, a former student at Convent of the Sacred Heart, was overjoyed with the announcement and could be seen dancing exuberantly on the tables in the swamp.
Dr. Stephen Kolman, Upper School Principal and John-Wayne-wannabe, seemed to also support Mr. Allman’s clarification. There are numerous reports of Kolman twirling his Administración scarf throughout the halls of the Upper School.