Teachers Revealed to Be Competing with One Another Who Can Tell the Most Students to Shut Up During Community Time

During Community Time, the only thing that happens more often than a Jake Fisher announcement is a teacher screaming “Shh!” from the back row of the Chapel. Statistics show that, since the start of 2018, there have been nearly two dozen reports of students being held back after Community Time to receive verbal condemnation from teachers who have not taught them since freshman year. In a groundbreaking feat of investigative journalism, “The Garlic” uncovers the disquieting source of this unruly behavior: the Upper School faculty is engaged in a competition to see who can tell the most students to shut up during Community Time.

“You’ve got to pay careful attention to the rules if you want to win,” an anonymous teacher said. “You get bonus points if your ‘shh’ is ten times louder than the actual whispers of the students or if it resembles the hissing sound of a writhing snake that was just impaled with a hunting knife.”

“I personally love the days when a funny speaker comes in,” another teacher added. “Whenever they make a joke and the students start laughing, the whole entire back row of the Chapel tenses up and look at their watches. If the laughs linger for more than 5.3 seconds, we get to go wild.”

At the end of the day, the competition’s all about strategy. “You’ve got to be on the top of your game on Fridays,” our last anonymous source explained. “There’s always a good time for shushing students when we’re using Community Time to take away Ad Hoc. We decided to watch the documentary ‘Angst’ in order to give some of the first-year teachers an opportunity to score some easy points.”

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