“The College Process Is a Meritocracy” Says Double Legacy Student

Cornelius Princeton ‘18, eight-generation legacy at an unnamed prestigious Ivy-league university, bragged on Tuesday about how his high school accomplishments truly had been exceptional to earn him a spot in said institution. Mr. Princeton noted that it was unfortunate some of his friends were less successful in the first round of admissions decisions but added that, “I’m sure everyone will end up at the school where they belong. I know there’s a special force driving these decisions—for some reason, I’ve known I’d be donning the orange and black for as long as I can remember. Divine intervention, perhaps…” Prior to publication, the senior was seen strolling around the history hallway in a suspiciously well-worn sweatshirt with the emblem of his future alma mater.

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