Jack Ryan ’18 Last Name Revealed!

Thursday— For the last two years, many students have reported a ghost roaming the halls of Trinity. When asked to identify the mysterious creature, however, nobody could begin to describe what had supposedly passed through their vision. Then, met by hundreds of gasps throughout the school, Ginn Norris added his name to the Directory. “Jack Ryan, Class of 2018” was even harder to find at school than Dash Wasserstein ’18. Who, rather, what was this silent being?

Not content with letting this question remain forever unanswered, Trinity’s premier satire magazine, The Trinity Times, decided to look into the mystery. The Times’ Investigative Journalism Team made it far, they even tracked down and opened Mr. Ryan’s assigned locker. The first member to open the locker, Managing Editor Jake Fisher ’18, still remains to be found, and officials have debated calling off the search. And it seems more and more likely that Mr. Fisher gave his life for naught. All the Times discovered were the words shadow recruit written in blood across the powder blue locker.

This year I had a firsthand encounter with Jack Ryan, Shadow Recruit. Both of us American Literature aficionados, we found ourselves in Mr. Desiderio’s “Dissent in American Lit” English elective. True to form, Jack Ryan remained silent and never made a single comment in class.

Some have speculated Special Agent Ryan is working for the FBI. It would make sense for him to be stationed at Trinity, tracking the children of many powerful political figures and the nationally-followed dissenter, the always outspoken Brenton Jaffe ’21. Others fear the Shadow Recruit is working for a foreign government. Recent revelations of Russian collusion have undoubtedly added to the suspicion Mr. Ryan might be stealing and selling Trinity secrets. Personally, I fear this with all my life. I hope he doesn’t tell everyone that under my façade of confidence supplemented with a constant supply of jokes is a deeply insecure teenager crippled by self-doubt, a truth that I mask with humor. For some reason I thought that would be a good thing to confess to Jack Ryan, but now I can only pray he’s on my team and doesn’t tell anyone.

Mr. Ryan has travelled so much, he might as well be served in the cafeteria alongside Flik’s #TravelingFlavors. (I’m more of a #FlikAroundTheWorld guy, but to each their own.)

But that’s all irrelevant. You came here for one reason, and one reason only. That’s right, we promised to reveal Jack Ryan’s last name. What is it, you ask. Well, it appears I can no longer continue to deflect. The truth is, sometimes I come up with a funny headline for a topic that I have plenty of loosely related ideas, but nothing actually about the headline. So for now, let’s just say his last name is Bartholomew.

Love,

Jack Ryan Bartholomew, Shadow Recruit

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