Monday– The Presidential elections are in full swing, and Trinity is abuzz with excitement. The presidency is one of Trinity’s most highly coveted positions. Leading the senate allows candidates to reach out to the community, try to enact change, and most importantly, get into college. Freshmen around the school could be heard gossipping “I heard nine out of the last ten presidents went to ivies…” or “Glorious Supreme Leader Mahlon Sorensen will always be my number one!” Three candidates walked up to the podium this morning with a speech in hand and hope in their eyes. Soon that will all be crushed. But for now let’s take a look at what the voters are thinking.
It seems as if a large percentage of the electorate is still unsure who to vote for after all three candidates took credit for the Tiger Rewards™ Card. Leah Teichholtz ’20 explained the tough decision ahead of her. “They call me Tiger Rewards Teichholtz for a reason! But now that so many campaigns have claimed to be my saviour, I don’t know what to believe anymore. It’s like when Jesus once met the Jewish God and the Christian God in the span of like two days…” When asked to elaborate on her strange, seemingly contrived metaphor, Ms. Teichholtz muttered a quick “I’ve said too much” before a divine light enveloped her and she was gone in an instant.
Eleni Wah ’18, who had been reported missing from the Upper School for multiple days, exclaimed, “I’m really looking for the candidate who understands the plight of us first graders.”
The always outspoken Brenton Jaffe refused to endorse a candidate, fearing that his status as a tax-exempt 501(c)3 organization would be compromised. Rather than providing us an answer, he asked, “Will, can I stop appearing in Garlic articles?”
Kaya Alagappan ’18, now a senior, may no longer be able to vote, but that hasn’t stopped her from getting involved with the election. Ms. Alagappan could be found marching around the school carrying a sign that read Never Trump. The senior explained, “it’s time our country takes a stand, enough is enough!” After being informed that this election was merely for president of the senate, an embarrased Kaya took out a new sign, Paul Ryan is Not Very Good! Now that’s a stance we can all get behind!
Our exit polls suggest that the race is heating up going into the final day of voting. Haemaru Chung ’19 got off to an early lead when I voted for him with a write in ballot. However, after being informed that I may not submit a ballot, much less a write in, Mr. Chung’s numbers took a hit. Another fan favorite, Charlie Brountas ’20, has already secured a strong following going into day two. When asked what he thought of his chances versus Haemaru were, Mr. Brountas replied, “what are you talking about? Neither of us ran.” We decided to investigate this ridiculous claim with Mr. Chung, who chuckled. “It’s all going according to plan…” Classic Haemaru!
The Garlic’s very own Deen Amanat ’19 found himself as one of the three legitimate candidates. If Deen actually wrote articles, maybe this article would endorse him. (Yeah Deen, we went there.)
Well, that’s the brief rundown of how things have shaken out so far. Presidential election season is no doubt a stressful time for the students competing. Personally, I can relate to this anxiety. I ran for president last year, and although I definitely won the most votes, the election was obviously rigged against me. But, I think that was better for everyone. All I can say to candidates is it ain’t over ’til it’s over, or when Senate advisor Mr. Emery says, “Will, you’ll win over my dead body!”