Monday– The Academic Awards Ceremony was this morning, and the student body is outraged. That’s right, our statistically certain bold predictions proved incorrect as crowd-favorite Will Cramer ’18 left this morning’s community without hearing his name called. Mr. Cramer could be seen crying in the bathroom, sobbing, “that whole presentation on Conan O’Brien was for nothing!” (I include that anecdote in hopes it will piqué your curiosity enough to make you read our previous article.)
Who even wants to be the best at a certain subject, a notably good person in the community, or, simply put, “academically superior”? I mean, I already knew I wasn’t going to win anything after asking my parents if they were planning on coming to Community Time. Sure, I still had that one second of hope right before they announced each award in which I my mind raced, thinking, “Maybe my parents were lying. I definitely deserve to be awarded for being the best contributor to our community… Because I am a good person, and I don’t care what the voice inside my head says!”
Awards are for people who need to compensate for lack of self-confidence. (One would argue that if this is indeed the case, I’m the perfect candidate.) I’m confident people appreciate me for who I am, and don’t need a prize to tell me that. I don’t fear that my friends secretly get together without me, or that the weekend nights I spent studying were all for nothing if I don’t have a title to show for it. And no, I’m not just saying this because I’ve never won an award. Am I still salty that Sophomore year I sat on the bench for JV Basketball like a champ and still lost the Sportsmanship award to Danny Keegan ’19, that undeserving, ungrateful little prick? Of course not!
Another student people were surprised to see walk away without any books this morning was Mahtab Shihab ’18. But do you know where he’s going to college? Harvard, that’s where. Even the always outspoken Brenton Jaffe ’21 left with nothing. Clearly, the faculty recognizes some students are above the basic pleasures of prizes.
Luckily, there are still some awards left for me to win. Graduation brings about a whole new array of prizes, and rumor has it, I’m in store for a big day!
Please love me.