The Garlic’s Bold Predictions for the Academic Awards Ceremony 2018

Sunday– Trinity’s Annual Academic Award Ceremony is tomorrow during Community Time. Before all your hopes and dreams are crushed, we’ve prepared some bold predictions of our own. Your name might even be below! We’ve confirmed with Nate Silver that you can be 98% certain our prediction model is accurate. So, without further ado, here are our picks:

 

The Isaac Schlongobardi Award for Outstanding Senior English Student: Will Cramer ’18

Although Will’s grades in English have largely been uninspiring, his presence in class has undoubtedly been felt across whatever room he’s in. In fact, he boasts a streak of three semesters of outstanding participation grades (I don’t mean just ‘O’s. I classify anything above ‘NI’ for ‘Needs Improvement’ as outstanding). Some say that it’s obvious Will’s just relying on the godly workers over at Shmoop to carry him through class, and others don’t pay enough attention to realize he’s just relying on the godly workers over at Shmoop to carry him through class. (I would like to note that this is a satirical publication and Will holds Academic Integrity in the highest light. As No Fear Shakespeare translates Act 1, Scene 3 of Hamlet, “above all, be true to yourself. Then you won’t be false to anybody else.”) In addition to brilliant essays such as “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles… but Primarily Trains” about Henry David Thoreau’s Walden,* some believe Will’s writing for The Garlic has really pushed the Trinity literary scene to new heights and should guarantee him the Schlongo.

*This was the legitimate title of my essay, and let me tell you, it was all downhill from there.

The Howard Zinn For The Win! History Award: Will Cramer ’18

The haters point out that Will hasn’t been enrolled in a History class since Junior year, but they call them haters for a reason. Mr. Cramer not only watched the HBO hit miniseries ‘Band of Brothers’ this year, he also read Stephen Ambrose’s Band of Brothers: E Company, 506th Regiment, 101st Airborne from Normandy to Hitler’s Eagle’s Nest. Winston Churchill once said, “History is written by the Victors”, and Will applied to the University of Michigan, whose fight song is ‘Hail to the Victors.’ So, by the transitive property, Will actually writes history and therefore, should have this prize locked up.

The ‘It’s Been Three Months and Our Chemistry Is Undeniable’ Chemistry Award: Will Cramer ’18

Although he transferred into Physics after three days of Advanced Chemistry, Will has watched the first two seasons of Breaking Bad with incredible attention to detail. He enjoyed and excelled in Dr. Cernota’s Junior year Chemistry class, but immediately realized that Advanced Chem. was on a whole different level. However, he was really nice to Dr. Cernota when he dropped, and that should win him some serious points when it comes to rewarding the best chemist.

The Mark The Shark Zuckerberg Award for Computer Science: Will Cramer ’18

Although Will had to drop CompSci in his second semester to fulfill his Religion/Philosophy requirement (there seems to be a trend here), he spent an impressive 3.5 years perusing Stack Overflow for answers to basic questions. Mr. Cramer has always been more of an “ideas guy” than a coder, but that’s the beauty of group projects. Once in Sophomore year, we had to make a photo app, and part of the assignment was to make filters. Will just wrote a few lines of code to rearrange pixels, and manipulated it until it looked cool. To this day, Will still has no idea how it worked.

The “No Hablo Español” Language Award for Students Who “Habla Español” and Other Languages Too: Will Cramer ’18

Will was really excited when he saw this award had “No Hablo Español” in its title because he says that a lot and it really holds true. Unfortunately, he soon realized that not only was the candidate pool for this award made up of the best Spanish students, instead, it was made up of all language students. Sure, many kids at Trinity have excelled in Mandarin, Spanish, and French, but has anyone given a final presentation that was supposed to talk about their passion in life on the career of Conan O’Brien. Because you know damn well that Will has! As part of his for your consideration campaign, Will has generously shared his powerpoint for that presentation with us, and sadly, this is all 100% real.

The Olivia Newton-John Lifetime Achievement Award for Excellence in Physics: Will Cramer ’18

After dropping Chemistry, Will joined Mr. Segal’s Advanced Physics class and immediately found success. But Mr. Segal’s shock and amazement at this wunderkind faded almost as fast as Mr. Cramer’s grades did. In 10th grade with Ms. Zranchev (gone, but never forgotten), Will participated in a lab where he had to set up a projectile cannon to launch a marble into a bucket. He and partner Devon Kalsi ’18 were the only kids in the class unable to complete the activity, but he is convinced some wind knocked the marble off course. In an upcoming science fair the Advanced classes are putting on for fifth-graders, Will has secured himself an introductory speaking role because he fears he won’t be able to explain some basic physics to the kids.

The “Mr. Cifelli Decides Who Wins This” Performing Arts Award: Will Cramer ’18

This is probably the closest Will comes to winning an award, simply because the pool of students who have participated in Performing Arts for four years is limited. Will has spent six years in the Jazz program but has never listened to any jazz in his free time. He tells his friends that Jazz is boring, but although he’d never admit it, Mr. Cramer has had moments where he really enjoyed the genre. Will is the proud president of Classic Rock Club and Musicians Club, both of which he has run into the ground this year. Will has played Piano, Keyboard, Organ, and Vibraphone on the Hawley stage, and although he doesn’t want to say it, and would never use exposition in a satirical magazine to express it, thinks people should appreciate his musical contributions more.

The “Don’t Tell Anyone But It’s Still PBL” Math Award: Will Cramer ’18

This is definitely the hardest sell. To quote Mr. Reilly, “Will, your Math grade definitely isn’t helping you.” To quote Dr. Newton after a notably bad test at the end of the first quarter that would affect the report card sent to colleges on Mr. Cramer’s early applications, “Hopefully you can bring your grade up for Regular Decision.” Will hoped the same, but unfortunately was not able to achieve this. The one redeeming factor for Mr. Cramer is that he spends an immense amount of time in the Math Offices, never to do math but instead because he is friends with the Math Department for mysterious reasons. He also once helped out with the math mural, which is a pretty big deal…

The Satirical Writing, Debate, and Golf Award: Calvin Hansen ’18

Although Mr. Hansen does not participate in any of these activities, he is such a stand-up citizen that it would be a crime to award the SWDGA to anyone else. A select few argued that this was the perfect prize for Will Cramer ’18, but that prick will win enough anyways with his perfect sweep of the academic categories. Long live Calvin, the best combined Satirist, Debater, and Golfer in the school!

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