Juniors Turn to Abstinence en Masse After Learning Condoms Only 82% Effective

Tuesday— The administration has been making big moves this week.  After trying to end the smell of mangoes in bathrooms by telling students addiction is a serious disorder that can only be treated by playfully equating the taste of sparkling water to the buzz of nicotine, the administration turned to their next agenda today: STIs.

Ad Hoc advising was a wake up call for many juniors after they learned some shocking news during a seemingly normal Sex-Ed session. You may be wondering how a mere 15 minutes so drastically affected the entire junior class. In fact, it seemed an unlikely possibility as the presentation started exactly like one would expect a high-school Sex-Ed class would start: plenty of awkward silence and nervous laughter and a video that was somehow too goofy and too serious at the same time.

After the video ended, the class then moved to a slideshow presentation with far too much text per slide that was immediately read word-for-word.  “It all started off with a simple game of True or False,” said Junior Thomas Ivashkiv. “I guess it was a good way to make a cringy topic a little more lighthearted. I got a solid 4/5 right until that question came up.”

It seemed innocuous at first– “Are condoms 98% effective at preventing pregnancy and STI’s?”– with a mixed response among true and false.  According to some, they thought it was false because “I thought it was 99.9% effective like hand sanitizer.” But students were not prepared for the slide that came next.

First confusion, then terror.  In bold text, blasted in front of the entire Junior grade’s face, was the shocking truth that condoms are only 98% effective in “perfect use” scenarios, while only 82% effective in typical use. “I heard gasps of shock and terror. I heard one kid fainted,” claimed Ivashkiv.  Henry Kates was reportedly seen pacing around the hallways crying and terrified, muttering “Oh my God I’ve been doing it wrong for YEARS!”

Following the incident, teachers noted an immediate change in the behavior of their junior students. “In class, there was not a single look exchanged by members of the opposite sex. Boys and girls ignored each other, and some were very vocal about the vows of abstinence they intended to take after school. I think I saw Stengel ordering a chastity belt on amazon,” contributed Ms. Muniz. The Garlic followed up with Anton Stengel ’19 and found him sitting in the swamp looking confused and scared. When asked about how the presentation affected him, all he had to say was, “I don’t even know what perfect use means.”

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