Will Cramer ’18 Says Goodbye, Nobody Cares

As my parents said when they reviewed my final transcript, “Will, to be frank, this is quite disappointing. I thought you said you were going to finish strong.”

I don’t like saying goodbye. I can’t imagine anyone does. Not only do I not like saying goodbye, I’m also not very good at it. My go-to strategy for monumental moments in my life where I have to let go of so many relationships, routines, and memories is to laugh it off, pretend like it isn’t happening, and then let it all hit me like a tsunami approximately one week later. It’s hard to grasp what leaving Trinity really means. That’s a big question, one I’m not ready to answer yet. So instead of focusing on that, I’m going to bundle all these emotions up and throw them into The Garlic. That’s right, as much as I’d love to stay, and as much as you all need me to continue writing the Daily Dish, it’s time for me to cap my pen one final time.

First, I just want to note that I’m sorry I wasn’t on my A-game this past week. My Pre-Prom play-by-play of how to take pictures (1000 photos later, and I still have no idea). Where do you put your hands? What do you do with your mouth? What do you do when you see photos of you and realize that’s what you actually looked like? How do you regain your confidence after those revelations?

Prom itself was also a blur. I had no idea what Prom really was going into it, and if anyone is in a similar predicament right now, I’m happy to report back that it is like a bar mitzvah without your uncle Moshe there to bless the Challah.

Unfortunately, my feature on Post-Prom never really materialized.

Baccalaureate was amazing. Fittingly, Trinity Church is undergoing a two-year renovation, so all the times where Mr. Morehouse usually says “You started your time in high school here, and you finish here” just wasn’t the same. Sure, St. Paul’s Chapel is only two blocks away, but so is the place where I get my hair cut.

Graduation went by in a flash. Except for Julian’s speech, that thing was a good 45 minutes long. Members of Trinity’s Board sat on stage. While everyone else receives their diplomas from the chair of the board, the children of board members are presented their diplomas by their parents. When those students went on stage, murmurs of “Oh, that makes a lot of sense” could be heard throughout the crowd.

The Garlic has meant and will continue to mean so much to me. I don’t know if it’s the fact that this undertaking began in the second semester of my Senior year, but this project quickly consumed so much of my life, and I loved every second of it.

I stayed up late at night, turning on the light every now and then to write ideas down on post-it notes strewn across my room. I dozed off in Dr. McCarron’s Medical Ethics class, thinking of how to word a headline for later that day. I told Charlie Garcia ’21 to shut up on the Golf bus so I could focus on the article I was writing on my phone. I returned home late at night and put off my previously prioritized nap to type out an investigative journalism feature that would underwhelm everyone but myself and maybe Jake Fisher ’18, who shares an identical sense of humor.

The Garlic has not only been the best thing to happen to Trinity in its 309 years of existence, it has also been incredibly rewarding for me as well. It’s made me confident in my writing and my often obscure sense of humor. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s made me ‘cool’, but it definitely has made me ‘notable’. I’ve met people from other schools who apparently read some of our work, and a friend will say, “oh, this is the kid who writes The Garlic!” The other person will be excited for about a minute before realizing I’m much less interesting in real life.

I want to say thank you to everyone who reached out or expressed their appreciation of The Garlic in any manner. I really can’t express how much it means to me and how it motivated me whenever I was feeling lazy. And to everyone who told me, “I didn’t think last night’s article was that good”, I don’t care what you think, let’s see you try to write something brilliant every night. I mean, some people…

I want to thank Mahtab Shihab ’18, Cornelius Princeton III ’18, and of course, the always outspoken Brenton Jaffe ’21, for allowing me to use their names so frequently. I also want to say you’re welcome to Mahtab, Cornelius, and Brenton, for raising their profile across the school. Sure, my articles made fun of Mahtab going to Harvard, but we all know he loved every second of it.

Of course, students weren’t the only targets. Dr. Kolman, Sons of Pitches Superfan Ed Schmidt ’71, and a whole array of teachers whose permission I never really asked for were all on board to be featured in The Garlic. Or maybe they didn’t know about it. Just don’t tell Dr. Halper about that one recent article and we should be in the clear. Also, my younger brother, Andrew Cramer ’21, has been asking me for a shoutout for a long time now, so here you go. Whoop de doo! Maybe your friends will think you’re cool now. Probably not, though.

It’s hard to walk away with so many ideas unpublished. Some Post-It notes will never be triumphantly peeled off my walls. But my time is up. Living in the past is entirely unproductive, and will definitely be how I spend the next few months. The Garlic has meant so much to my Trinity experience, and it will stay there.

Here are some articles I never got around to publishing:

Mr. Duggan Wears a Blue Trinity Athletics Polo and It’s Better Than You Could Have Ever Imagined!

Charlie Suskin ’15 Still Goes Here

AP Week: Either Every Answer Was ‘B’ or I Really Messed Up The Macroeconomics Multiple-Choice Section

The Secret Life of Michelle Cuttanaro

Funeral For Student Who Is “Deceased” To Be Held This Thursday

“I Literally Can’t Even” Exclaims Junior Who Probably Could

“I Literally Can’t Even” Exclaims Junior Who Could Figuratively Odd

Trinity’s New Motto – Labore et Labore

Dash Showed Up To School, Ms. Norris Fears For Job Security

Student “Just Looking at Schedule” in the Middle of Class

Harvard Rejects Student, Cites Freshman Year Show What You Know

Send an email with an unsubscribe option to entire Upper School and then publish a list of everyone who unsubscribed

10 Things Your Parents Didn’t Tell You About the Annex Link

10 Things Your Siblings Didn’t Tell You About the Annex Link

10 Things Mr. Morehouse Shouldn’t Have Told You About the Annex Link

Remember That Time The Podcast Club Made a Podcast but Then Lost the Audio So Published a Transcript? We Do. Weird…

Sophomore Reads a Book For Pleasure, Is a Nerd

Atheist Student Prays That She Doesn’t Know Group of Students Walking Towards Her and Her Family on The Street

There was an email a few weeks ago in which a member of the administration disavowed Hangman as an extremely offensive game, and we wanted to publish the exact content.

Student Meets With Teacher to Correct Their Grade, Lost All Their Tests

Sentimental Seniors Discuss Which Program They’ll Endow in Five Years

Op-Ed: Garlic Isn’t a Vegetable So Are You Really Trinity’s Premier Vegetable-Themed Satire Magazine

Opinion: You Don’t Need To Be Named After a Vegetable to Be Vegetable-Themed

Sentimental Seniors Sit In on Class, Now Just Seniors

Opinion: Awards Are Important Because I Won The Golf Alumni Award Which I Actually Deserve Nope, Prizes Are Still Meaningless Pieces of Trash

Recently divorced Dad attends Asian affairs club…bitterly disappointed.

Letter To The Administration: Don’t Even Bother Ruining Prom, We’re Already on It

Mr. Milton Legitimately Did a Samurai Sword-Fighting Demonstration for the Freshman Grade. Let’s Talk About That

Buckle Up, Motherf*ckers, We’re Ranking The Teachers

Buckle Up, Motherf*ckers, We’re Ranking The Senior Speeches

Buckle Up, Motherf*ckers, We’re Ranking The Departments

Opinion: Math, What’s Up With That?

Student Excited to Practice Their Spanish Over Break at Barcelona Four Seasons Resort & Spa

Math Teachers Wore Pi Day Buttons Around School Today, And We Just Let That Fly

My one regret when reflecting on my work for The Garlic is that I didn’t start earlier. I spent a good deal of my time at Trinity as many do, stressing about grades and college and never taking a step back to realize what I actually enjoyed. Don’t get me wrong, I found the work fulfilling, but wish I had expanded my horizons and taken more risks earlier.

I created this website in February on the bus to the Harvard Invitational debate tournament using the money I had requested from Senate, just to see what would happen. Once I had the structure, the rest came easy. I guess my point is: do things. Interesting things. Put yourself out there. Figuring out how to manage something, be it a magazine, podcast, any organization really has taught me more than any class at Trinity (except for Junior year American History, shoutout to Mr. Donhauser). So give it a shot, and worst case, you’re back where you started.

If you’ve made it this far in this “article”, if we can even call it that, I want to thank you for sticking around all this time. But now, for real, I must go…

I spent many late nights watching the end of hit 80’s sit-com Cheers. For twenty-three hilarious and wholesome minutes, I could escape everything else in my life and immerse myself with the crew at the bar, interacting with newcomers who often brought challenges that we’d resolve together by the end of each episode. In the final episode of the show’s eleven season run, barkeep and former MLB star pitcher Sam “Mayday” Malone is wiping down the bar after another busy night. A silhouetted stranger knocks on the bar’s locked door. Sam waits for one long second, looks up, and says, “Sorry, we’re closed.”


Will Cramer ’18

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