Monday — Okay, yeah. Garlic writer and esteemed golf boi Will Cramer was hilariously good at making bad jokes. We know that, so thank you all for your input, aLuMni. But he’s gone now. It is time that the The Garlic passes on to the next generation of students that you feel obligated to laugh at.
There’s no need to keep on commenting “Bring back Will” and “We miss Will!” and “This sh*t sucks!” and “🤧🤧🤧🤧🤧🤧🤧” on all of our articles. It’s not that we’re tight about these mean comments or anything. It’s that we’re super f*cking tight about these mean comments SO GET OFF OUR DAMN PAGE OR EL—
I’m sorry, we got a little bit out of line there. You see, running such a highly praised organization such as The Garlic can be a little stressful at times. Our self worth is dependent upon the number of likes that we get, and our precious self worth has taken a significant hit ever since we lost access to Will’s nine burner accounts.
By the way, for all you creeped out by my fellow editor-in-chief’s strangely sexual post about dearest Elizabeth Shah, I can assure you that some sense has been smacked into his soul. Thank you, and we look forward to a great year of articles ahead.
P.S. if you made it all the way here, make sure to whisper “pineapple” into Deen Amanat’s ear tomorrow for a… high five or something.