It’s a New Year and Chapel Is Still F*cking Wild

Thursday— Students and faculty alike funneled into their seats on Thursday morning looking for a comfortable shoulder to nap on. Though we didn’t need to call the paramedics again, chapel exceeded all expectations. It didn’t feature Elizabeth Shah, sparing us from Kornfeld’s raving and the bowl ringer, Noah Lascano ‘20, forgot to remain standing until the snuffer was ready. Classic! When asked about the debacle, he said, “You know I’m just doing my best. It’s a new year. I’m a rookie. I forgot. Nobody noticed. You’re making a big deal out of nothing.” I for one noticed. I was staring down that short sleeve button down dress shirt.

Then we learned what today’s chapel was. The go-to move of having the chapel council do what they do best: read survey answers for a long time. Iconic! In disappointing news, they did not read my cringe-worthy answer to the question of what am I most looking forward to after day one: summer. I mean c’mon. That would’ve gotten a few laughs. Probably. Maybe. Fine, maybe not.

The less exciting answers which were read ranged from people looking forward to specific classes to listening to the soothing sounds of Chaplain Morehouse’s soothing voice every Thursday. Oh wait, that was just what I was looking forward to. Scratch that. Moving forward, freshmen, sophomores, and juniors all received advice about how this year is either harder or not as hard as they’ve been told. What glorious contradictions. Some said to work hard, others said play hard. However, nobody gave the seniors any advice, leaving them clueless. After chapel, numerous seniors were seen in a daze, and not only because they were just waking up. Deen Amanat ‘19, was asking everybody around him, “What do I do? Write a narcissistic article for The Garlic solely about this?” No, Deen. You’re not Will Cramer. It’s not the same if you do it.

As for the young frosh, their first chapel experience surpassed all expectations. “I thought that middle schoolers got restless towards the end of chapel,” said one frosh from Trinity middle school. “But when the meditation went into minute three, the rustling in the chapel easily topped that of the middle school.”

Also, we here at The Garlic don’t even know where to begin on the reading about oil running down a man’s beard. Did anyone else catch that? Is that a metaphor? Is that something people do? Did I hear it wrong? Who knows. But it just added to the intrigue of the first chapel.

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